It is difficult to know where to begin. I was going to be so many things and I had so many plans, and then I disappeared. Emotionally yes, but to an extent, physically. The last I think you heard from me was two years ago, in the summer before I went to university. I had returned from a working trip to Budapest and I was looking into the Otherworld, being as I was ideally located.
What happened in the meantime, I could put down to faerie intervention, or simple ill health. I couldn't say either way, though the former may be an excuse because I don't want to face up to the truth. To pick up a long story as concisely as I may: in a flurry of activity, I moved into my student flat. I was to read Classical Studies at Edinburgh Uni. My flat was a dive and in the worst part of town surrounded by clubs and whatnot but I was thrilled. To be out in the city, living independently, and studying the ancient worlds! It was a chaotic few weeks and university has a steep learning curve, and I managed. I was getting into the swing of it, as it were, and I got my first assignments in. Even managed to give a presentation on the significance of religion in the day to day lives of the ancient Romans. And then, I... stopped coping. For years I've struggled with depression and bulimia, and they both returned incredibly brutally. I stopped going to lectures. Then I stopped going to tutorials. Then I stopped doing the reading, handing in assignments. University didn't exist for me. My days consisted of lying in bed drinking vodka and having small anxiety attacks every time I heard the doorbell. My flatmates never saw me. My curtains were never drawn. I lived in a tiny cocoon in an unwashed bed and I was sad.
It was a nervous breakdown, essentially. I lied to my family and friends and made them believe I was doing well. I can't even expand much more than that, because I have almost no memories of the last year and a half. I've gone into a sort of fugue state about it. I lost myself there. I think perhaps it was faerie mischief, because I was beginning to work with them in the countryside and then I tore myself away from them and into the city. Perhaps they wanted vengeance and they stole my mind. Perhaps I just buckled under the stress.
After first year ended, I had dozens of unanswered emails from university admin. I was unsure where I stood, whether I was even still enrolled. I moved back in with my mother for the summer and looked for a flat with my friends. I spent the summer in the attic mostly, still trying and failing not to be depressed. We found a flat, and it's beautiful. I live there now.
I'm no longer a student. I'm disgusted at myself for how badly I failed. I was supposed to be an intellectual. I was supposed to study. But I had to support myself without a student loan. I hate even typing this. Now I work at Subway and I spend my days wearing a cap and making sandwiches for people. It's awful and I hate it so much and I feel like I've lost so much of myself there. It isn't helping my depression at all. The only silver lining is that I found a boyfriend. He's twenty three (and I, nineteen), and he's terribly tall and was in the merchant navy. He's loud and opinionated and odd and earthy and grounded and I love him-- have done for five or six months. He's the only thing at work that makes my shifts bearable.
That's where I have been since I fell off the map. Now, I hope to improve myself. I can only move up. Before I even think about getting a better job I need to sort out my mental health. I've no magic in me any more. I'm only sad and dull. It's no way to live. I hope you understand. I need my spark back. And I will get it.
x maddie
Dear Maddie,
ReplyDeleteOf course I haven't forgotten you. I still have your old private Cinderella blog bookmarked, and have checked it from time to time, hoping you'd return. I am honestly speechless. My immediate thought, when I hadn't heard from you in over a month, was that you were dead or missing. It seemed so unlike you to just disappear, especially because I knew how passionate and dedicated to the society you seemed to be.
We (the other members and I - but mostly me) theorized that you had perhaps fallen into trouble in Feathaill Lynn. Perhaps you had fallen into a ditch and broken your neck? Or had you gotten raped and killed in the woods? Anything seemed plausible and we were really worried. You weren't just some random preliminary member who decided the society wasn't their thing after a couple of weeks and dropped off the planet -- You were an integral part, and (what I considered) a close friend of mine, for we had talked for over a year prior to your disappearance. You knew everything about me, and I thought I had known you pretty well likewise.
But then I noticed that your Facebook page was gone. I immediately thought that you had just deleted me as a friend, but I then realized that your entire page was missing? I somehow got a cached page of it and tracked down some of your friends I remembered you mentioning in your blog posts, to see if they were posting "missing person" statuses or anything, really. I didn't find anything. As the months crawled by, I noticed you hadn't updated any of your previous haunts -- tumblr, goodreads, blogger, or even neopets. I tried googling your name paired with your university, or with words like "missing" + "scotland", to no avail. It was really saddening.
My intuition told me that something serious had occurred. I refused to believe that you had just had cold feet about the society, and that's the reason why you disappeared. I felt like we were close enough so that if you had been uncomfortable with continuing, you would have at least dropped me an email.
You mention fairies in your blog post. That was not far out of the realm of possibilities, as far as I was concerned. Some of my old blog entries, and stuff on the Facebook group, discuss us wondering if you had maybe wandered in to Faerie? Nothing was beyond the scope of possibility. I knew you had been reading that Poppy Palin book which discussed how certain parts of Scotland were portals into the Otherworld. My memory is fuzzy on the specifics. You may be disenchanted with all that now, but a part of me wonders if the faeries did have some involvement, as you yourself speculate. Tell me, what happened to make you think this was so? Prior to your move to Edinburgh, was there anything specific that occurred? What do you mean by "working with the faeries"? You don't have to worry about seeming
It comes as a complete shock to read what truly happened to you. I had no idea you were struggling with depression, and I don't recall you ever mentioning bulimia, although I do know you were trying to lose weight. I too have had experience with sadness, as you can probably infer from this rambling diatribe of a blog, but never severe, more like a persistent untreated dysthemia, even though I may act strong. I can not begin to fathom what you must have went through, though.
ReplyDeleteI still have many questions. What was the catalyst that kindled the fire? Was it just the overall stress, even though you said you were doing fine? Why did you choose to withdraw from the internet? Was this even a conscious decision? Did you truly hate University, or was that an irrelevant factor? Do you think the breakdown could have been prevented if you had chosen a different university, or do you think it was inevitable? Have you been receiving any treatment? And how are things with your family? And I am certainly interested in hearing about your new life in the flat with your friends.
To be quite honest, Madeleine, I feel like I don't know you at all, and that I never truly did. I still care about you as a friend but I can't help but be hurt that you did not reach out. Of course I am always here for you. I want to help you reclaim your spark. I am not perfect nor am I a miracle, and I am also rather blunt, but I want to be a friend to you and help you gain your magic and accomplish all of your dreams.
Wishing you the best,
Ariana